on internet porn

boyfriend: i had mac and cheese with boca burger and black olives
me: oo i want that!!
boyfriend: great, i'll just poop it out for you
me: wow, im really glad you said poop instead of vomit, cause that's 20 times more disgusting
boyfriend: one boy, one cup: it's what's for dinner

on dumping our kidneys

my boyfriend: "I SAID GOD BLESS AMERICA. I SAID DRINK THAT"
me: "my heart says yes but my kidney says no"
my boyfriend: "fuck your kidney. you only need one anyway"
me: "i wish i could just get rid of the extra one already"
my boyfriend: "you're preachin to the choir baby"

on modest mouse

"i would never tickle isaac brock. just kidding."

on me and my sparkley kitten sharing site

"you and myspace is a bad idea. you and myspace is like me and tequila."

On solving problems

my boyfriend: "i like the way you use the internet."
me: "?"
my boyfriend: "i would never have thought to google 'my kidney hurts.' when my kidney hurts, i just get drunk or listen to Isis or something."

on thinking about things

it's 2 p.m. on a monday, we're in the car on the way to a candy store.
me: "what are you thinking about"
my boyfriend: "motorhead. that time i sang motorhead at ray's happy birthday bar."

on getting me drunk

"give me your drink and i'll revamp it"